Is Our Last Goodbye|
Rating: R for sexual situations and a little bit of language. Angst ahead, people.
The soft morning sun, persistent as it is, found a way to sneak in through the heavy curtains covering our large windows. It's threatening to fill the room the longer I stay, and I can't bear to meet your beautiful eyes if you wake up before I'm gone. The single brave sunray has begun an intriguing dance on your naked flawless skin, heating your fragile body as it rises with each precious second to its place high up on the sky.
As I lay a hand on the small of your back to feel the warmth, a shadow forms on the empty side next to you on the satin sheets and it makes me wonder if you will keep sleeping on the left side after I'm gone? Will you keep the space clear, in hope that someday you will see me again when you wake up? I have a feeling my place on the bed will be snatched up by the little furball.
She's staring at me right now as she always does when I wake up. But her deep black eyes aren't telling me today that she wants to be let out into the garden so she can chase after Mr. Jacobson's bitchy cat... no, they're telling me she knows something isn't like it supposed to be.
And she's right. This morning isn't like any other she has ever experienced.
Tomorrow I won't be here. This is our last goodbye.
I gently ease myself off of the bed, already fully dressed, boots and all. I have been up for hours; actually, I haven't slept. I've watched you... watched how your bare chest rose and fell with every soft breath you took in your peaceful sleep. Were you dreaming of me? That I can only wonder, never know... 'cause when you wake up, I won't be here to ask you.
This decision about leaving has plagued my mind for months. Every since that fateful day... I can still remember the look on your face, the way it scrunched up and the tears that started to spill down your cheeks. I can never give you what you so desperately long for, and that is the main reason for why I am leaving.
I never discussed this with you. Whenever I tried, you would just wave me off and say it wasn't that important and then turn away to cry in silence. Don't you think I saw the tears? Don't you think I heard the muffled sobs coming from the bedroom, when you fled there after I tried to talk to you? Dammit, it is that important. I will never be able to share something so precious with you.
Seeing our child born...
I will only ever see that in my dreams. And now, I fear I will see your face in my dreams as well. Not your beautiful, smiling face, but the face from that haunted day. The tears, the anguish, the disappointment...
My hand is now lying on your neck, my fingers playing with your long golden hair. I will miss you so much... but you will be better off without me. I'm giving you a chance to live out your dream. Before I leave our lost haven, our place of sanctuary, I bend down to give you the last kiss as I whisper softly into your ear. "I'm sorry I disappointed you, baby... I'm so fucking sorry..." This is our last embrace.
I turn my back to your sleeping form as I swing the dufflebag up over my shoulder. I try to take a step, the first step I've taken alone in a long time. I'm frozen. I can't leave, but dammit I have to! I force my booted feet to take that fucking step... shit, I'm actually doing it. I'm leaving. I grip the handle on the door to our -- no, your -- bedroom and take one last glance at you...
The love of my life.
The first time I saw you, I knew you were special. I waited for so long to finally tell you how I felt. The day I told you, I was afraid I'd get a slap across the face from my "little sister," but you stunned me in a different way. My feelings were returned. My "little sister" became my lover... and then my wife by heart and ring. I had it all. A beautiful wife that knew and loved me and my beast, which you at occasions experienced unleashed... unrestrained. At those times, I knew you loved me. The look in your eyes, so trusting and filled with love.
I hated to feel when the love between us started to die. Sadly, now it's dead.
I've lost the one thing that means the most to me in the entire universe; there's no reason for me to stay. The love and trust in your eyes have been replaced with hurt and anguish. It breaks my heart, it really does. There were times when I thought that maybe, just maybe, there was hope. You kissed me, softly and deeply. But only your lips made that crucial contact, not your heart... and I could feel it. I wish you would kiss me... not from consolation, but from desire. There's no hope left. So I'm off to do what I've always done the best...
Believe me, I've been considering this for months, but it seems like it's the only option that's left for me. How I'm going to survive this, I'm not sure. It's killing me, that I'm about to go do something I promised you I would never do again. But it has to be done. I'm sorry, but... If I keep the promise, I have to keep trying to bring the wall down, and I can't anymore. All I can do, now, is build another wall, between me and the promise.
As you slowly turn in your sleep, I tear my wistful gaze from your still sleeping form. It's really time to go. I slide the goggles in place, tighten my grip on the old dufflebag and turn the handle on the door, careful not to let it creak out in longing for the oil I always forget to give it, as I push it open. I don't turn my head to look at you sprawled across the bed as I step out of the room, the furball following me closely with her tail wagging all over the place, almost sweeping the old porcelain ballerina off of the shelf. I catch the girl in the middle of a pirouette and feel a smile quirk my lips as I put her up on a higher shelf, out of harm's way. Do you think it will someday be possible for me to do the same with you? Pick you up off of the floor and lift you high, and everything will be perfect again with a blink of your beautiful emerald eyes?
I can dream, can't I?
As I step into the office of the house we built ourselves, I'm grateful the goggles are covering the emotions filling my eyes. We had plans for this room. One day, we thought, it would be a nursery, when the news we both wanted to hear finally came... but it never did.
You wonder why I hate God... I wonder if you can handle hating him too...
My hand trembles as it reaches into the desk drawer for the envelope. I pick it up and pull out the stationary it contains.
After reviewing your application, we are pleased to inform you that your request for re-entry into the Universal Marine Corps has been accepted. Your records have been cleared and we have set your RNLTDT to be July 18th at 0800, on Sirius 4; Headquarters- Universal Marine Corps.
General Malcolm Hamilton, UMC.
Welcome back, Sergeant. -Mrs. Berg."
I've never revealed this to you, not even in our long, deep midnight talks in front of the fireplace, but I miss it, baby. Not the killings themselves, but everything else. Having my own platoon. Going into hostile situations, knowing every man on my team is backing me up as I make decisions that could get them all killed. Knowing that they have faith I'll bring them through alive.
That's trust, Jack. It can't be found anywhere else... anymore.
I still trust you. I always have, and I always will, but seeing your trust in me fade away, I can't bear. You trusted me when I said I would give you everything you had ever dreamed of. But there was one dream I couldn't make come true, and your trust in me crumbled the day we discovered that. Maybe it's because I didn't know you at all, I feel so hurt. I thought I would have you forever -- until my soul left this world and the other worlds beyond -- but with my luck I'll probably be stuck in hell. Heaven is only a place I would go if I could be with you without worries, but why would He let me in there, knowing how I hate the Fucker so much it physically hurts?
I quickly stuff the stationary back in its envelope and slide it into my back pocket as I exit the room, closing the door behind me.
Two doors closed, only one more to go.
Laying my keys on the dining room table, I feel my heart shatter. I run a finger down the fluffy pink keyring you sternly insisted I carry, so I would always remember my fluffy pillow on the bed next to the pink, delicate lips that belonged to you. I don't think it ever crossed your mind how a man that carries a fluffy pink keyring gets teased at work, but I never cared. You gave it to me and that was everything.
Another memory that will always be cherished. There are so many memories. Memories of you. I have every inch of you memorized... down to the tiny hairs on your arms, which always rose to attention when I lowered my voice to the deepest part of its register, or nibbled at your earlobe as we lay in each others arms after making love. God, there's so many things that I will miss... so many things I will never see or feel again.
I can't help myself as my head turns slowly towards the closed door you're sleeping behind.It takes every bit of strength in my weakening soul to keep from going over and yanking the door open, pulling you into my arms and hugging you until our hearts become one again. You've given me more to live for... more than you will ever know.
Because I've never told you...
The front door is right before me, five steps away. In the path, the furball has placed her lazy butt. She's staring at me as usual. I have a feeling she's begging me, but I can't listen to her. I can't listen... I know I have to leave.
For your sake... and my heart's.
As I take a step forward, she gets up and a low, but worried bark fills the room. My head snaps towards the closed door, and I listen to see if you heard her.
There's not a sound. Nothing.
I turn back to her and she lowers her head in shame with a whimper and pads off to lie before the fireplace on the quilt you made during the cold, harsh winter last year when we were snowed in. I can't count how many times we made love during that time. In the end, the excuse that sharing bodyheat was better than turning up the heat, was used. We laughed, oh God, did we laugh back then.
Now the laughter is gone. It makes me so angry because I know that in time I'll only make you cry again.
"This is our last goodbye," I whisper to myself repeatedly as I slowly take the last four painful steps towards the door.
As my shaking hand reaches up to unlock the door, my mind overloads. The hand reluctantly surrenders and moves down, clenching on it's descent as everything in my head collides with a crash the size of the Hunter-Gratzner. In the distance I hear the holy men beginning their morning prayers and my hand reaches up again, flipping the lock and gripping the brass handle with newly found determination.
No more Arabic prayers.
Ten years I've been listening to them. No more. After today, the only prayer I will hear is Corporal O'Reily's along with the sound of his rosary as he counts his decades, one bead at a time before we move to our location.
As I yank the door open, all sorts of images of you run through my head. The one that keeps floating in and out of focus as I walk down the driveway, is the delicious image of how you looked when you were on top of me, riding out the orgasm I ignited inside you with a spark of passion and love. The way you collapsed on top of me, your hair brushing over my face as you stared into my eyes with a smirk playing on your lips. Then you squeezed around me and I growled, capturing your lips in a searing kiss before I rolled us over, pinning you beneath me as I stretched your arms up over your head with a strong hold on your wrists. Your legs wrapped around my waist as you drove me to my orgasm, our eyes locked together in a unbreakable bond. Even as my whole being began to shudder, growls escaping my lips mere inches from yours our gazes didn't budge. We could stare into each others eyes for an eternity. No words were needed in our world.
We were in perfect harmony
I almost... almost wish the sounds of my heart pounding at my ribcage and my brain shattering into a thousand pieces would wake you up as I get into the waiting cab that I called for yesterday before we went to bed. As the driver pulls out of our driveway, my gaze rests on our house until it disappears out of sight.
I turn my eyes straight ahead and slowly close them, wondering how you will react waking up, not finding me there. Would you search frantically for me, yelling my name as you yank the front door open only to see the falling dust the cab whirled up as it took off down the street with me and my broken soul as a passenger? Would you rush back into the house and call Imam, telling him something's wrong... that I'm not there? Would it make you wonder if you really knew me at all? And would you find the letter I laid out in the office before I left, with tears in my shined eyes, making them glint even stronger under the goggles just as the day you said "Yes" to my request for your heart in marriage?
A sad smile creeps over my lips as the Spaceport comes into sight just as quickly as our house slipped out of it.
I had actually done it.
I closed the last door.
I left our home.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Last Goodbye by Jeff Buckley
is our last goodbye
is our last embrace
me, please kiss me
you say "no, this can't happen to me,"
well, the bells
out in the church tower chime