Twenty Deadly Sins
Chapter: 01 02 (Incomplete)

Chapter One

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Why is it I'm alive?

I should have died. Why is it He is so convinced that I am worthy? Why should I be walking around? Why? I'm never going to heaven. No matter how many times the Priest says I really am going. Hell, he starts out in his low, calm voice, blabbering about how the dear lord loves all of his children equally.

Then Istart... and he goes silent.

I can hear him gasp on occasions as I tell him each and every one of my reoccurring sins. It's just not one sin. No... when I sin, I do one helluva job. Ten... sometimes twenty.

Then I stop.

Waiting for him to let it all sink in. And every time... every time I wait for him to agree with me. That the lord can't love me. That there's no way in hell that I'm ever going to Heaven.

Please... Just this once, goddammit!

But again, he refuses. I am and will always be one of God's children and he loves me. At that time I'm already half way out of the booth.

Fuck.

Why do I keep doing this to myself? Every day. EVERY FUCKING DAY! Bitching about me, myself and I.

I.

I... my ego. Maybe that's why I haven't let go? I've had many opportunities to let go... leave everything the fuck behind. Could that be it? My stinking ego? Pride? Is that what's keeping me from yanking the steering wheel hard to the left, taking my car into the incoming traffic and drive head into the first and biggest eightwheeler in sight?

Shit, I ask myself this each and every day. Every time I take a breath and fill my lungs with the air that keeps me alive.

Alive...

Am I really alive? Or am I dead? Is this -- me, writing this -- a dream? Do you dream when you're dead?

Fuck. Time to stop writing. Arm hurts. Head hurts. My whole fucking useless body hurts. Need painmeds. Valium sounds very good.

And a Corona to go with it... just to keep up the sins.

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Chapter: 01 02 (Incomplete)